Today’s Forecast: One Hundred and Whine Degrees.

It’s hot.

Today’s forecast calls for 103-degree heat in Portland, with temperatures reaching 109 in parts of the surrounding Willamette Valley.

Might as well be one hundred and whine.

During every single errand I’ve run today, I’ve had an inane conversation with at least one would-be heatstroke victim about how unbearable this current heat wave is.

Portland, you are harder to please than Gordon Ramsay.

On average, Portland’s annual temperature range stays between 45 and 95 degrees. That’s a 50-degree spread, over the course of four seasons. Places like Denver and Billings can experience a 50-degree spread in the course of four minutes.

When, for a couple days each summer, Portland’s temperatures rise into triple digits, the media portrays it as the beginning of the inevitable heat death of the universe. Similarly, when Portland experiences significant snowfall once every ten or fifteen years, news outlets refer to the 3-inch accumulation in foreboding terms like “Snowpocalypse” and “Snowmageddon.”

Shut up, Portland. Go to the Oregon coast, where it’s a cool 80. Go hike Oneonta Gorge through a stream fed by freezing glacial runoff. Do the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, over and over again. Yes, it’s hotter here than it is in Vegas today. Enjoy it. Hydrate. Appreciate the moderate weather we typically have.

Having said all that, I am currently sweaty and miserable, suffering in my sweltering house with no air conditioning. This heat sucks. It’s awful. I can’t take it any longer!